Melting Point of Hot Dogs

[The following string was born of the East Coast's wilting heat wave of early July. The Melissa Manchester reference seems out of place but is an inside joke stemming from a voice mail message left by Jared X on A's cell phone a few years ago, horrifically singing the chorus of one of Ms. Manchester's offerings from the '80s. The reasons behind the message are lost to history.]

From: Jared X
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 9:31 AM
To: A
Subject: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

When it’s 92 degrees outside before 9:00am, it does not bode well for the rest of the day. I don’t recall so much as a breeze since sometime last week.

************
From: A
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 1:54 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

A few quotes come to mind:

"Sometimes it gets so hot I want to crawl right out of my skin." -- John Goodman as Charlie the Insurance Salesman

"They say it is so hot today, people are walking up to cops and asking the cops to shoot them." -- Al Pacino as Ricky Roma

“It’s gonna be hot and wet! That’s nice if you’re with a lady, but ain’t no good if you’re in the jungle!” -- Robin Williams as Adrian Kronauer as Roosevelt E. Roosevelt

"Today's forecast: SUN! SUN! SUN! SUN! SUN!" -- Steve Martin as Harris K. Telemacher

************
From: Jared X
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 2:01 PM
To: A
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

“Today's temperature's gonna rise up over 100 degrees, so there's a Jheri curl alert! If you have a Jheri curl, stay in the house or you'll end up with a permanent black helmet on your head foreva!” – Samuel L. Jackson as Mister Senor Love Daddy

“It’s so hot out I’m getting a f***ing headache.” – [Cousin M] as herself

*****************
From: A
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 2:48 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

"Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!" -- Jason Biggs as Jim Levenstein

*****************
From: Jared X
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 3:16 PM
To: A
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

“The water was too hot. Definitely burned Charlie Babbitt!!!! Water was too hot.” – Dustin Hoffman as Ray Babbitt

*****************
From: A
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 4:00 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

"It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice." -- Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy

*****************
From: Jared X
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 4:12 PM
To: A
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

“The heat got hotter, Ali starts to curse me….” – Q Tip as a guy who inadvertently drove his friends from Brooklyn to El Segundo and then left his wallet there

*****************
From: A
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 4:22 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

"Beat you with bologna, slap you with salami/Cuz when I get hot I get hot like pastrami." -- LL Cool J as a dude who'll rip you to shreds, tap you on the head, then leave the battle lookin' as happy as a newlywed
 
*****************
From: Jared X
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 9:42 AM
To: A
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

Hi temp yesterday: 103
Temp @ 4:00 am: 84
Temp @ 9:15 work arrival: 93
Expected hi today: 102

“I’m stranded in the jungle trying to take in all the heat they was givin’….” -- Bruce Springsteen as “Bad Scooter”

****************
From: A
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 1:31 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

Eugene hi temp yesterday: 85°
Temp @ 4:00 am: 68°
Temp @ 9:30 work arrival: 72°
Expected hi today: 92°
Expected type of heat: dry... it's a dry heat
Expected comfort level, compared to NYC: scads higher
Expected complaints from the locals: zip
Expected winner of the World Cup semis today: Germany
Melting point of a vuvuzela: 225° F
Melting point of a hot dog: Unknown
Possible formula for melting point of a hot dog, if "melting point of a hot dog" = HG, "melting point" = b, "lips" = L, and "a$$holes" = A: HG = bL + bA

"In the he-e-e-e-eat of the ni-i-i-ight..." -- Dad, doing a terrible impression of Ray Charles.

**************
From: Jared X
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 1:59 PM
To: A
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

NYC’s heat: somehow less dry than yesterday
Spain 2, Germany 1
Melt all the vuvuzelas … please.

Jared to Sabrett Hot Dog Vendor on West xxth Street: What would you say is the melting point of one of these hot dogs?
Sabrett Hot Dog Vendor: You want relish with that?

“She said she would be lost without you, she’s stepped out of her head (Out of her head!)” – Jared, doing intentionally awful impersonation of Melissa Manchester

***************
From: A
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 2:17 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

Hi temp of the dirty water in average Sabrett vendor's cart: 55°
Average age of condiments: 5 months
Ingredients in that brown sauce on the onions: ???
Typical ethnicity of vendor: ???
Eating a NYC Sabrett hot dog: Priceless (where "Priceless" = "slightly better than a fly-covered-wheel-of-meat gyro from the next cart.")

"It's so hot today. Sooo hot today. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot." -- Mick Jagger doing the weather report while rubbing nipples, on MTV, circa 1986.

************
From: Jared X
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 2:52 PM
To: A
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

Hardness of Sabrett vendor’s large pretzels on the Mohs Scale of Hardness: 11 (scratches diamond)
Out of 12 drinks displayed on top of cart, number actually in melted-ice-bin for sale: 1 (diet orange Fanta)
Ethnicity of Sabrett vendor on West xxth Street: Macedonian (or something)
Cap worn by Macedonian (?) Sabrett vendor on West xxth Street: Winnipeg Jets
Language spoken by Macedonian (?) Sabrett vendor on West xxth Street to Uzbek (?) cab driver who pulled over behind cart for hot dog: Spanish

“HOT! Gettin’ in the hot tub! HOT! Huh! Zebede houmph! HOT!” – Eddie Murphy as James Brown on SNL, circa 1984

****************
From: A
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 3:49 PM
To: Jared X
Subject: Re: Melting Point of Hot Dogs

Average number of napkins you receive with each Sabrett: 35*
Average number of said napkins that already have mustard or ketchup smeared on them: 34.5*
Number of calories in a can of Diet Orange Fanta: 4**
Number of countries besides Mexico that still distribute Diet Orange Fanta: 3**
Number of countries besides Mexico where it's still socially acceptable to drive an 80's VW beetle: 0***

*Results may vary
**Figures are pitifully uneducated guesses
***Just plain not true

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility." -- Yogi Berra